Off the market.

It caught me by surprise today and it wasn't a bad one either. I gave someone the initiative, but they didn't take it so he took their place and shocked me. I realized I like him more than I thought I did. Right now, it's a simple infatuation, a simple crush, and a simple relationship. We'll see where this goes and I know there won't be any bad turns and dead-ends.

Magical myths?

I've always been fearful of growing up and losing that resemblance of a special person or moment. It feels as if I'm still so far from happiness. I'm touching adolescence alone.

As I was watching Nick and Norah's infinite playlist, I was trying to search for a time where I used to feel for a guy that way too. It seems as we grow up, we lose sight of what has always been a little thing, but brought an immensity of joy to our lives. That whirlwind of a race of fluttering butterflies in your stomach, the lotion-fied, but still sweaty palms, the crack of nervousness in your voice, and when it finally all added up to a crush. What about the time when you and your best friend were skipping across the busy intersection vocalizing the Oscar Meyer's bologna song to the point where the birds in the trees might drop dead. Then you enter high school and you meet that despicable fistfuls of assholes guy and you totally fall in love with him. He then crushed your heart and now you guys act like you don't know each other, but deep down inside... You guys knew what you had was real.

So does everything real eventually fade away to this mediocre world we live in now? Have we all lost sight what used to make this world enlightening colorful? What I see is sad and dull shades of grey like the old antenna television in an old retirement house.

Best Friend - Why does it seem like everyone " older " I asked does not have a best friend (anymore), but just close friends? Is the idea of a best friend that bad now? It seems like as you get older, you get fucked over too many times to even consider giving someone that significance of a title anymore. It takes months, if not years to build up trust. Yet in seconds, it could be damaged beyond repair. " Do you remember in kindergarten, how you'd meet a kid, and know nothing about them, then 10 seconds later you'd be playing like you were best friends, because you didn't have to be anyone but yourself? " So is being yourself just simply not good enough?

Crush - A smile creeps upon your face as the image of that person meditates in your mind. You start to walk slow every time with that person to appreciate the moments you have together no matter how brief. Your palms begin to moisturize with a thin layer of sweat. The notebook you use for math notes is no longer filled with equations and theories, but x's and o's accompanied by his name. Your phone is permanently cemented in your hand hoping the next time it lights up, his name will be displayed across the screen. You agonize five minutes to reply to their text. Heart over mind, that person is the only thing that's on your mind. After awhile, you're off cloud nine and back to reality, that's when you start realizing the flaws.

First Love - After awhile, you've been so disappointed the puddle of all that not even half decent guys in your life, you'd want to give up. As soon as you have made the pledge to stay away, someone sweeps you off your feet with their unwitting charm. Too difficult to resist, you fall. It's not the simple crush where your heart is the only organ in your body working and controlling others, but also your brain is functioning quite more. The first person who makes you think and feel more than you ever have. They make you want to be better for yourselves, but not necessarily change yourself. Love is like stepping onto wet cement, the longer you stay, the more difficult and painful it is to leave, and you can never move on without imprinting your footsteps behind.

We all have our firsts, both good and bad sooner or later. Now, it all seems too good to be true and a distance of far-fetched.

Prozac,

My heart's pounding and I can't breathe. I'm gasping for air and I'm silently whispering for help though knowing it'll never come. It has upgraded to a whole new level and I'm too dumbfounded to know how to deal with it. I'm struggling to stay away from my addiction, but it's still always calling out to me... It still feels as if it's the only thing that could help me right now. I know that's wrong, but I just love the thought of it.

Numbness, what I would kill for that.

Like father, like daughter?

My dad used to be quite the social butterfly unlike the old bloke he is now. Dinner parties, kickbacks, he did it all. Along with his alcoholism, I guess I did take after him like my mom says. He just keeps to himself now... He doesn't want friends anyone and he just wants to die alone, I guess. The funny thing is, I've never looked up to my father at all, but I'm turning out to be exactly like him. Even though I'm not close to him and I so disregard him as my own blood, I actually can relate to him more than I thought so and to anyone else.

Sunday morning,

Rain is falling. You can never get tired of Maroon 5, seriously. My first CD was from them. :) Rain was definitely falling this morning, both literally and metaphorically. I wish I could maintain a tighter relationship with my mom, but at times it just seems so IMPOSSIBLE. Sunday is our full-on FIGHT day. I'm glad I have my iPhone otherwise sometimes I wouldn't be able to shield the painful words she'd say. It doesn't mean I turn it on full blast and disregard EVERY SINGLE WORD she says, but I do turn it on to a required level where I could sing along to the song in my mind, but also pay attention to what she has to bitch about. I love my mom, but she's hard-headed and always thinks she's right. I can see where I get that from now. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, the joy of family genetics. The thing that pissed me off today was how my mom and I can't compromised on our faith.

The only thing that has keep me happy lately is my faith. My returning faith in God. I'm glad I got the push to go to Life Night again last Sunday. Today, going to church. I just wanted to scream, " I love you, God ". Also upon seeing all those faces I used to dislike, I just wanted to run up to them and hug them. Of course, I'm not going to turn into some bible-hugging nun-like person, but I'm just happy that I got my faith back. For some reason, my mom can't see that. I know I've lied about going to church to her before and I know I don't have her trust back, but even with the reliablity of Theresa... she's still scared that I'm still going down the same old path which means randomly coming home drunk again some night. There's no way I can reassure her that, that won't happen anymore, but I am doing my best to prevent that from happening. I don't want to hurt my mom anymore. Family's important... I have put my friends before family, but I realize... Family is the only one that's always going to be there for you in the end. That's why God put them there in the first place.

P.S. - Dear God, please help me not lose sight of whom and what should be important to me. I'm willing to change now.

Prayers are appreciated, thanks.

History:

3/20 - I don't know why I'm dreading to make this blog post, but I feel like I just have to say something about everything. "Sometimes you don't want to move on forward is because you've been let down so many times before". I've realized that all this time, I've always had the support... but I've just been pushing it away and lately, that's all I'm good for. Addiction hurts... The yearning my heart has put upon me... just causes me to tear up every time I'm thinking about it. I don't have to go through this alone yet it's the option I've chosen. I guess, in a sense... I feel like I've been betrayed and let down upon enough already. I hate it... I hate how someone magically comes along and tries to pick me up in the my butt-imprinted spot and the moment I fall down again... They leave. If I was strong enough to not fall again in the first place, I wouldn't need the support to be helped up in the first place. I don't expect anyone to stay around to help me anymore... which is why I guess I'm not considering to let anyone help me either. I've been lagging for that one phone call that could change my life back for almost a week now. I'm scared... because it's going to take a lot since most importantly, I'm not asking for the support from the two most significant people in that my life that would help me. I don't know how I'm going to do this myself... and to be honest, I don't even want to do it because of that. The program is designed to help people who really want to help themselves. And as of right now, I don't think I have enough willpower to help myself. The person's shoulder I want is present, but I just can't go to it... I've pushed and scratched and screamed for it to go away and they have left and I also have half-heartedly started letting go. I want to hold on to that person so bad, but they're slowly slipping through my fingers and my fingers are not obeying all my signals and motions to grab on to whatever little piece of our friendship left. I wish you were still here and I wish you could understand and see that... I miss you and I need you.

Sometimes I don't even feel my heart beating anymore. I'm honestly dead inside and have been all this time.

I haven't even been doing what I'm supposed to do and it's killing me more inside. It's come to the point where it's not that I can't anymore, it's come to the point where I probably won't. Instead of willing to follow the constructive way, I'm only willing to follow the malevolent and destructive way to my downfall. I want my body, heart, and mind to numb down until I fall back to the point of possibly no return. Don't get me wrong, I'm still staying away... but I don't know for how much longer I'll be able to anymore.


3/14 - I wish it's as easy for me as it's for you, but it's not and I'm insanely jealous. I've acknowledged that I have the problem, but why should it mean that I should fix it? Maybe, I don't want to. Maybe, I've agreed that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. Maybe, it's what I want to do everyday until every speck of color in my vision slowly fades away to that one pitch dark color. I hate how everyone expects me to JUST stay away from it especially when they provide the opportunity for it to be right in front of my FACE. It isn't that easy. I couldn't even make it easy no matter how much I would want it to because my system has programmed me to say yes every time it's in my presence. No matter how much I set my limit to be, I exceed it... My mind's telling me no, my heart's telling me yes, and my soul has already departed. Somehow I keep going... even as my body is failing me... nothing can keep me away. The veins of my hands and feet loses all the correct senses empowered by my brain and listens to my heart instead. It already has even come to the point where I've chosen it over myself. I hate that I love it so much. Even though it's destroying me, deep down inside it's honestly saving me. If there was a choice for me to either keep on feeling my heart or for it to completely stop, I'd pick for it to stop hands down. Lately all it's been feeling is pain.. and maybe I just don't want to feel it anymore because when the chance comes for me to be happy again, it probably wouldn't be the same either. My smile wouldn't brighten up a room like it used to. The face I'm wearing everyday is just a plastered on face. It just seems like Old Kathy is officially dead... and the soul in my body right now... it's just a lost one.

Alcohol makes me feel like a dam that's like breaking out, though the after-effect includes concrete damage, all the waterworks would be at least gone...


3/7 - Have you ever wondered where people go when they leave the bus? If they have a real destination or they're just getting off of it as their own desires pleases. As I observed the many people on and off the buses I've been on, I see the same expression on their faces, "Where am I going?" Some people as they get off the bus seems to have the answer, but as for the others like myself, we're lost and we long for an escape route. Going straight forever isn't always the answer especially if you're not going to stop and smell the flowers every once in awhile. There's always going to be stops. The unintentional ones, the roadblocks, the constructional zones, technical difficulties, and the moment when you just got to get off because you've reached your destination. Also, the road doesn't go straight forever. There's curves and dead ends and that's when you have to U-Turn and find a new road to venture upon. Sometimes there's a moment in life where you wander off your path for whatever reason, maybe a breath of fresh air of the same old routine of your life. Although wandering rarely gets you to your destination, it might be what you need as the escape route.

I've been waiting for a moment like this forever. It feels right, but at the same time it also doesn't and that I don't know why. I look out into the horizon and I realize the world is so big and there's so much out there. Laying down on my christmas blanket, digging my toes into the sand, and singing along to the music on my iPhone, I open my eyes and look out onto the sky. It was the most perfect shade of sky blue. The sky was so clear and in the distance over the horizon, you see a line of perfectly shaped clouds and the wind was just right. It was a beautiful day, the ones where you don't want it to happen all the time because if it did, you wouldn't appreciate it as much. I wish I still had my long hair, so I could let it down and feel the breeze through it. It has been awhile since I've been at the shoreline of the beach. I was happy that I came today, but there was also a hint of sadness in my heart. It brought back memories, both pleasant and not so pleasant. I wanted to sit there on my blanket forever today. For the first time in a long time, I had a sense of home, of being home. There was just one thing missing though, someone I could never get ahold of ever again. We never even said goodbye and maybe that's why sometimes I feel so lost.