Nightmares,

• I came to school, drunk.
• I got so high, I fiercely walked into the roaring traffic-filled street.
  

Momentarily.

It seems like even the happiest of relationships sooner or later has to reach its breaking point. You know what they say, love is just a word until someone comes along and gives a meaning to it. I just wish that upon the first step you take with someone of the opposite sex that there would be a sign of certainty that could be descended on you so you shall know whether or not to continue going along with it or not. It's been more than half a year and my walls are still tall and strong than ever now. It seems the minute I start to let my guard a little bit down due to some flattering praise from the boy who is trying to pursue me, the next minute after, they immediately try to inflict damage onto my wall. I'm scared sooner or later, my wall will capture me in forever reigns.

What you said today really upset me. I've never felt so much hate in a sentence directed towards me. It's funny because I honestly was starting to think that you DID care and you WEREN'T going to give up. I had a teensy weensy fraction of hope for us again, but it didn't take you long to playfully destroy it. I don't know if I'll ever speak to you again... I tried to make at least a friendship work, but it seems as if the damage is way beyond repair now. You broke us and you took a small crack at me too. Thanks.

Betrayal.

Some people just underestimate the amount of love and care I have for them therefore they slowly start to demean me. One of the things lately, I've been taking a little bit of pride in is my soberness and my ability to let go of my past life. For all my old friends and my new friends, I want to achieve in trying to be an example to them that we seriously don't need any of this crap. Life may get out of hand sometimes and that should be a good enough reason for us to turn to each other, not to turn to alcohol or drugs. I know for the temporarily moment, it may seem like such a life-saving release, but in the long run, it's honestly an infection that destroyed something potentially beautiful about us. I'm speaking these words not just out of a spontaneous moment of thought from my heart and mind, but out of life-hardening experience. I don't want, even if it was to be even the one person I absolutely hate in this galaxy, to go through any similar scenario I have. It exasperates me that my friends have seen me firsthand fuck up to the core and they still don't understand. It honestly feels like a stab to the heart. I feel at fault and mostly indefinitely obligated to change their point of view. I would even repeat the past all over again just to try to prove my point because dealing with the consequences myself are worth it for them, but not worth it for them to make those similar mistakes themselves. I believe in each and every one of my friends could change the world. It just starts with one random act of kindness. I hope they could see the good and admiration and hope I see in them.

I don't want to turn to hypocrisy, but if it's my last resort to make them truly see then I would.

I love you, please don't ever forget that.

Take time to realize,

I liked how it was today when it was just the two of us. It reminded me of why I started liking you in the first place. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for reality to hit and destroy the tingly senses of my feelings of restored admiration for you. I desperately want to be there for you, but I can't be sure if it's for as either a friend or your girlfriend again. The most important thing is I want the both of us to be happy and I'm beginning to think that can't happen with the two of us together. We both have flaws that neither of us can tolerate with. Undeniably, we are also too stubborn for each other and maybe I just don't like you enough to let you win. It'd also be a different story if I liked you enough to NOT let you win. I don't know... There are so many things I dislike about you and I wish I could change about you which probably proves a point that we shouldn't be together. Nobody should be in a relationship where they would want to change their companion in any way unless, maybe for a very beneficial turn of perspective. I just wish you were more open-minded and understanding so you can possibly see the world in a different light. It seems as if you went through high school with not enough drama to give you the opportunity to GROW UP.

If I had half a penny for every time you pissed me off, I'd probably have two mini-coopers right now... One for me and one for my best friend. It just frustrates me, but can't you see? I care and just want what's best for you. We have more than enough down's than up's, but you still mean something me.

Craving?

Just a sip to make me feel all better, but I don't need it. I'm better off, better off without a lot of people and things especially including you.

Fade into the background...

I don't know...

Does that describe how I've been feeling? It's not like the " I don't know " as in I do know, but I don't want to say it, but I seriously DO NOT know how I'm feeling or what's going through my mind. For the first time in my life, I feel completely and TRULY lost... I feel as if every pigment of my skin is slowly disappearing into thin air so soon enough it won't even feel like I even exist on the face of this planet. I don't know what it is I should do to get rid of this misery. I've never had such a horrible and miserable week in my whole life even when life was fucked up to the core. I feel like as if my life has been so bitterly unproductive that my profound uselessness is making me feel as if I'm rotting away. It doesn't feel as if I'm depressed, but rather than that I'm so damn stressed. I just want to scream to the top of my lungs and have the wind push me back onto my knees. I'm painfully suffocating due to being trapped in an unknown compartment and I need to be released to suck in some form of oxygen. I'm deeply paranoid that there may be no solution to this " broken " me and at this point, even maybe a simple distraction may not be able " help " me. Wherever I am right now, I don't want to be here. I want to hide, run away, disappear wherever the relief may be. I just want to leave and run and see where I could possibly end up. If there was a word deeper than the meaning for " empty ", I'm residing in those terms. I just want a hand to hold on to, but that doesn't seem possible right now because no one seems to understand the type of consolation I'm seeking for. The face I'm wearing, I'm guessing is quite a disguise to the common folks. Ha. Ha. Ha.

The worst thing would be is if we were to drift away from each other, but it's not even close to that and it seems as if we're at the point to no return. We're still here in each other's presence, but it feels as if we lost each other. We lost each other's significance. Many signs show and try to prove that we're meant to be, and that's what I want to sincerely believe because I love you very much so. I hope you can read the signs and try to rescue me. All this time, I've still been trying to do it alone, but I honestly can't, I cannot do this without you. Please don't forget me. It's starting to feel as if everyone else has, but please, I need you. You're my best friend. If it feels as if I've been neglecting you, I'm not purposely trying not to... It's just, I've lost my sense of thought and mind therefore technical difficulties serve me not to spreak in proper terms with you. It's not you, it's me. I don't remember how to converse anymore and now that it's been almost a while, it feels better to just be close-mouthed.

Like you didn't even hear a sound, right?

Pulsating.

The vein on my wrist is pulsing tripple what my heart is ordinarily beating. It's screaming for some type of release, but I wouldn't bear to do that crime to myself again. I'm losing myself again... I don't know who can help if I can't even help myself.

[On the road with my iPhone.]

To be free,

The world is so beautiful, but unfortunately I'm stuck here. One day, I shall be set free to spread my wings and fly all from the west coast to the east coast and back.

But?

I want to write, but my mind won't speak for itself anymore has been sending mix signals. I feel as if I'm losing myself and the only way to regain consciousness is to take a stroll down memory lane and relive it. I can't go back to that though... I just can't. The more my yearning may increase, the sooner my downfall will begin to settle in.

Unfortunately, I don't mind. I don't mind at all.