Thin Layer.

You know, guys used to like because I was bubbly, caring, cheerful, cute, funny, sweet, and ecetera... Now, they only like me because I can show them a good time. Either, I'm so drunk I make a fool out of myself and/or is the entertainment of the party or I'm drunk enough to the point to make out with the next cute guy or two and let them take advantage of me. I used to not give a rat's ass about what people said or thought about me because I knew none of it was true, but now I'm getting a little paranoid. I don't know who I'm becoming and I'm desperately trying to drag my nails into the dirt and crawl my way back, but I'm quickly being dragged into the dark side against my own will.

I went into this summer with a mindset of just having fun and getting fucked up and my morals and dignity just disappeared among those lines. Now I'm hoping to regain them before summer ends because I'm tired of giving bits and pieces of me away especially to people who haven't proved to deserve them.

I've been having dreams about you and it surprises me. We started off in your car driving on the freeway. Somehow, we ended up at a local fast food sensation, Jack in the Box. Shockingly, various familiar faces of TRG and Hellside were there. As we walked in, they pointed to the corner. POV and VT were also occupying this joint. As I went out for a smoke, you gave me a death glare, but uncomfortably stood by my side. Before we know it, The two rivals start blasting each other. You shield my head and we head for your father's car. We drive away. Somehow, I know we're in Long Beach and it is somewhere near 5AM and you're holding my hand. We're at some mall and I was planning on going to an Urban Outfitters. You remind me not to take anything and to please take care. I reassured you that I would. As we share a quick intimate moment, we realize you have lost your keys! This black man shows up and plays the na-na-na trick and VERY SURPRISINGLY, I trade my iPhone for your keys. We rush to the car and you drift by the black man and grab my iPhone. We leave the mall area and we drive off into the sunrise...

I constantly find myself thinking about you from time to time and I don't know why. There's nothing to us left and there was not much of us in the first place, anyways. However, deep down inside I knew .that we had potential, but I was too selfish to try for anything. I treated you like shit and I still terribly regret it now because I ruined what could at least still continued to be a good friendship. You answered to my calls and you came to wherever I asked of you with little complaints. In return, I let you see the dark side of me: drunken, blazed out, and chain smoking. It quickly led to you saying, ' Fuck this. ' If there was one last thing I could do for my sake, it would be to show up at your house with a new pair of Purple Vans and a note declaring my apologies. Then, I would hope one day you would accept it. Thanks for caring and I'm sorry I was too stupid to see it.

For the whole majority span of my life, I always dated someone I selflessly hoped in changing or improving for the better. It's not that I am a shallow or picky person, but I want to bring that person out of their comfort zone and to help them reach their full potential to be the beautiful scuplture God created them to be. In most of my relationships, it usually was never about me, but about only him. Now it seems as if I am out of that graceful nobility and I am rather in need for someone to help me change and improve myself for the better. All I've ever wanted is someone who cares... cares enough to try his best to not give up. A boy to be my rainbow after the storm. My pearl from the oyster. My little oasis of heaven in the widespread desert. My steaming cup of hot chocolate with burnt marshmallows on a cold winter morning. My glass of fresh squeezed lemonade with just three ice cubes on a glistening summer evening. A boy who could prove to deserve the key to my heart. He has been nowhere in sight for almost two years. Every boy I've encountered with lately was a pure disappointment or I've made a fool of myself and it was just too late.

So for quite awhile now, I have been done. I'm done for as long as possibly hoping to at least exceed through the end of this year.

No boy is worth it right now or maybe, ever. Please just leave me alone.

[On the road with Wazowski!]

100% Guaranteed.

It pisses me off when people underestimate me of my capabilities with a hint of hypocrisy in their accusations. Hello? You shouldn't be even be uttering any sounds and then try to make things up with excuses. When I'm in no joking matter, I always say what I mean and mean what I say.

Changes.

Too much has happened since the beginning of the summer that regretfully, I can not take back. I look myself in the mirror and I can't recognize myself. I see someone with a face of no more natural tones and no more genuine smiles, but someone who is shrouded in a cloud of scandals. I have never seen myself changed so rapidly in such a small period of time. What ever happened to the sweet, innocent, caring Kathy? It seems all of my best qualities has disintegrated into thin air and now I find myself scandalous, skanky, greedy, and bitchy more than ever. Who am I becoming?

• So what now? It seems as if I'm living it back up to my partying days. I've never partied so hard in my life... four days straight in a row. It all started with finding a whiskey bottle that led to buying a new bottle of Bacardi, chain smoking, multiple beer cans, hook-ups here and there, and then rolling for the first time ever. I'm just waiting for the moment where I fuck up to the point of no return because I feel like what the fuck is the point of my life anymore? It always turns into PURE DISAPPOINTMENT. I don't want to disappoint anyone at all and I don't want to give anyone else the opportunity to disappoint me either so, I'm trying my best to distance myself from everyone especially the one who cares. I love them, but I hate myself and I wouldn't want them to see how I'm like right now. It's the best for everyone for me to slowly rot away, alone. I'm absolutely disgusted at myself and I don't like how I am, but I feel myself slowly adapting into this lifestyle... I want to drink until I literally cry and gag my heart out and black out into the an eternity of night vision. I want to blaze until I feel so numb and feel as if I lost all ability to think and just walk into a traffic jammed street. I want to keep popping pill after pill until I feel as if I need to burst and collapse. I want to sniff coke until all my internal organs feel as if they're going to burn and disintegrate. I just want to end up dead.

• So I started coughing out blood and sickeningly, it amuses me. I've been smoking Parliaments and have had at least 7 a day. It makes me feel less stress and calms me down when I'm angered. I know I'm just increasing to my doom day by day, but I don't know how else to deal with everything right now. Everything's shit.
  

• Unbelievably, it happened and I feel guilty as ever thinking back to those nights. I have no idea what was going through my mind when I made that initiating first call. I don't want to say or admit it, but maybe... deep down inside, I did hope for a little something to happen to consciously get back at him. In the end, it only hurt me though. Friendships between all three of us could have been maintained and appreciated, but I so foolishly destroyed them.

Immunization.

I feel my breathe shortening more quickly as I keep staying in this hell-hole. I can't breathe and I am desperately trying to find an escape for air before my life ends. I know I'm only acting as if I'm immune to those painful words you throw at my heart and those slaps you force across my face. Really, they're just building up and waiting to take over and explode.

Reenactments.

One thing after another... Maybe you're right about me and I really can't change. I'm retracing my steps of last summer, but this time I'm making the footprints three times deeper. Summer isn't as great as I thought I've been living it up to. I want to be alone and I want to forget everything. I feel my heart hardening as I take each breath of air in and out.

Can't help, but...

I think of you and us every now and then. It's funny... are you even back with her? Is she okay? Did she stop drinking? I still care about you immensely and I still miss you a little bit. However, after seeing you yesterday... I feel as if I don't know who you are anymore? Lately, you just seem so careless... Maybe you have been this way forever, but it was just different with me for a little bit. I don't know what to say. :/

Just Friends.

Guess what? I'm not ditching school to go to his house tomorrow morning. Forget him. Forget them all.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]