Friendship on fire.

It's absolutely wonderful and amazing how we came to be and I'm very much happy. However, let's keep the physical aspects down a notch, shall we? I don't want to lose myself again and I hope you can respect my decision.

Pause.

Once again, I'm setting myself up
for disaster. ALWAYS too good to be
true...

[On the road with Tinkerbell!]

:/

It still isn't the same like last time.

Words of the wise.

fatal perfect: i hope i have a dream tonight
screamfulkathy: like what
fatal perfect: like yours
fatal perfect: but different
fatal perfect: one that would be like this
fatal perfect: a girl named kathy apologizes to this one boy and then they live happily ever after

Stick it up your ass.

So why do people lie and decieve each other just to try and get that aromatic taste and yearning experience of love? Is it because sometimes it seems so far away as the moon is from earth and as rare of a diamond? You also have to walk out onto the street and you see every once in awhile, a couple happily together, holding hands and united as one strolling right beside you as you feel the wind slap you across the face. Relationships are bullshit.

Repeat.

I find myself constantly being let down by so many people.

...Married?

I was married... To whom, I don't remember, but he... he was my absolute dream guy. I was still around church and a leader too. We were in our early twenties. I gave birth to a beautifuly baby girl, a little bit disappointed at first that it wasn't a boy, but I gave in when I saw her beautiful face. She was abnormally small and need more care then ever. She never cried, and hardly ate, but slept a lot. She was always in my arms and in other people's arms that I only trusted. LOL, she was able to repeat after me... when I said people's names. It was cute. One day, my husband and I went out with Lily. We saw our old friends... the people back then in our high school days. They mocked us... They said we were too young to get married and we didn't know crap. My husband got offended and said we were in love and we were not too young. We grew up unlike any of them and actually went somewhere with our lives. They shutted up and said sorry. One of them asked to hold my baby. I hesistated, but let... since this was a very old friend. He lost my baby... and I pushed him down and got on top of him and was about to deck him in the face. He was among tears. My husband pulled me off because Mike, Sean, and Father Juan threatened to fire me, LOL. I went around the whole town looking for her and crying. My husband did too and finally like a year, we gave up. We packed our bags and went to Europe. My husband joked around and said maybe it was fate so now you can give birth to the first baby boy you ever wanted. I punched him in the gut. LOL

What a hella weird ass dream.

Stay true to yourself.

Lately, It feels as if I given up on the idea of love. I know it exists and I know it's out there, somewhere. However, it seems too rare on a day where you're just skipping down the streets. I'm discouraged and disappointed to the fact that I don't want to try anymore, yet if I don't try... I may never be able to find it again. There always used to be a few guys or maybe a bunch on my tails, but I guess my charm has just died down and now there's only one or two pursuers every now and then. I guess I've put myself out there too much than I used to and my chances for love just went down the drain. I rather be alone then settle.

• The guy who would make the occasional visit to church with me and wouldn't be afraid to hold my hand or put his arm around my shoulder during mass. It shouldn't look like he's all over me, but more like... he's just adding on to the love and security God has given me already.
• The guy who would cook and bake with me while dancing along to the radio.
  
• The guy who shares the same taste in music as me and we'd could just lay down on his bed and share a pair of earphones and sing off-tune to each other.
  
• The guy who would never make any of our friends feel as if they're an extra wheel.
  
• The guy who would surprise me with a spontaneous single dates every ONCE in awhile.
• The guy who would play basketball, football, and jog around mile square park with me.
• The guy who would take a picnic basket and bus to the beach with me.
• The guy who would shield my eyes from the gory parts in scary movies.
• The guy who wouldn't try to make me feel up when I'm down and down when I'm up.
• The guy who would know when to put up with my shit and when to not.
• The guy who would lay down the law for me because sometimes I just don't know how to.
• The guy who wouldn't ditch his friends for me and wouldn't make me ditch my friends for him.
• The guy who would just like me for me and wouldn't change me no matter what except if it was for the sincere better.
  

Don't leave...

She's becoming more grim and sick everyday. She poorly survived two heart-attacks in the past year. She lays down at seven o' clock and makes more than the usual once a month doctor visit. She skims through her daily prayer in about ten minutes which used to be a sacrificial holy hour to God everyday. The signs all lead to one tragedy, old age. The past sixty years of her life was dedicated to pleasing all of those around her even if she was mistreated by them. All the pain and suffering most people can't imagine, she survived through. At age 16, she was forced into an arranged marriage with a man ten years older than her. Soon after, she lost her most beloved person in the world, her father to the Vietnam War. She gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who was pulled into custody of the father's family who openly despised of her. Her youngest sister was always in need of help and she so nicely gave her a place to stay. Once, while she was in the shower, her sister locked the door from the outside and stole every piece of clothing, furniture, object (inexpensive or not) and sold it to the market. She went through a stage of depression and anxiety while going through her second pregnancy. The baby girl only survived for an hour before it was given to the hands of God. Her husband and son left off to the states and she tried to move on past everything for a better life. She met a man with whom she adopted a young girl from an orphanage. They lived together, but with pure chastity. She was in love, but staying true to her religion, she objected any means of a divorce. She thought her life was in peace, but not before long. She received word from her youngest sister that her son was being mistreated in the states. She left her true love and her step-daughter for her blood-son. Her son grew up miserably without a mother and she came back into his life way too late. He had a small grudge against her and left for the army. She became tangled in a web with her husband again and conceived a daughter. She swore this time to do things right and she hoped for this baby girl to have what she never had: Love, Success, and Security. Her daughter was the only thing she had left close and dear to her. Her true love passed away from cancer and her step-daughter grew up only using her for money. Thankfully, her blood-daughter was exceeding through school and given selected leadership roles in her church. She was never more proud until the day she saw her daughter come home drunk and her life once again went tumbling down. Her hope and strength were weakening by the minutes. God, please show her some mercy. I need her.

Sorry,

I already know I'm going to fuck up.

9132.)

I only see what could have been, in my dreams. What I wouldn't give to sleep, just to be with you forever.





That makes me want to cry.

Could've...

I was re-reading our instant messages and ... I am so sorry I was too blind to see that we could've had something great. I just wish you were well and I shouldn't be hearing the things about you right now. You deserve better.

It's time to grow up.

I just oh so much love the fact of how you totally disregard my feelings. I feel as if you're blind right now and you don't see what's the best for the both of us, separately and together. Why can't you just chill? We don't need to party or get fucked up to have fun. I have no problem with drinking occasionally, but only if it's with close friends because you need people to have your back. It's time to take it easy because you honestly do not want to do anything you'd regret. I don't want anything of the likes that happened to me to happen to you and I don't want your mom to minimize your freedom. I don't get what's going on through your mind.

Everything.

I can't be happy with myself because I don't know who I am. Forever and ever, I'd always come across biographies of adolescents all over the world who feel as if they don't have an identity. I never thought I'd also come into terms with that same particular situation. I don't get why I can't be the school girl, the church girl, the kickback girl, and the party girl. Why can't I be everything? Why do I have to choose? I don't even know how to choose because when the time comes to check that option box... I'll lose half of my friends in the other categories. It sucks. I feel as if nobody likes me for who I am, but only as who I portray at the moment. If I'm at church, people get disgusted upon hearing about my party rumors. If I'm at a party, I have to hide any signs of me belonging in those church organizations. If I'm in school, I can't party at all. I wish I had the strength to do it all and I wish nobody would judge and just accept that I do all of that, but I'm still me.

I don't know who I am.

Sacrifices.

Sometimes you gotta make them to be a better person. Why is that I am still afraid to let go of my bad habits? I really want to change and I already have been setting foot on the right path, but there's like that sticky piece of gum I can't fucking get off my sandals.

Thin Layer.

You know, guys used to like because I was bubbly, caring, cheerful, cute, funny, sweet, and ecetera... Now, they only like me because I can show them a good time. Either, I'm so drunk I make a fool out of myself and/or is the entertainment of the party or I'm drunk enough to the point to make out with the next cute guy or two and let them take advantage of me. I used to not give a rat's ass about what people said or thought about me because I knew none of it was true, but now I'm getting a little paranoid. I don't know who I'm becoming and I'm desperately trying to drag my nails into the dirt and crawl my way back, but I'm quickly being dragged into the dark side against my own will.

I went into this summer with a mindset of just having fun and getting fucked up and my morals and dignity just disappeared among those lines. Now I'm hoping to regain them before summer ends because I'm tired of giving bits and pieces of me away especially to people who haven't proved to deserve them.

I've been having dreams about you and it surprises me. We started off in your car driving on the freeway. Somehow, we ended up at a local fast food sensation, Jack in the Box. Shockingly, various familiar faces of TRG and Hellside were there. As we walked in, they pointed to the corner. POV and VT were also occupying this joint. As I went out for a smoke, you gave me a death glare, but uncomfortably stood by my side. Before we know it, The two rivals start blasting each other. You shield my head and we head for your father's car. We drive away. Somehow, I know we're in Long Beach and it is somewhere near 5AM and you're holding my hand. We're at some mall and I was planning on going to an Urban Outfitters. You remind me not to take anything and to please take care. I reassured you that I would. As we share a quick intimate moment, we realize you have lost your keys! This black man shows up and plays the na-na-na trick and VERY SURPRISINGLY, I trade my iPhone for your keys. We rush to the car and you drift by the black man and grab my iPhone. We leave the mall area and we drive off into the sunrise...

I constantly find myself thinking about you from time to time and I don't know why. There's nothing to us left and there was not much of us in the first place, anyways. However, deep down inside I knew .that we had potential, but I was too selfish to try for anything. I treated you like shit and I still terribly regret it now because I ruined what could at least still continued to be a good friendship. You answered to my calls and you came to wherever I asked of you with little complaints. In return, I let you see the dark side of me: drunken, blazed out, and chain smoking. It quickly led to you saying, ' Fuck this. ' If there was one last thing I could do for my sake, it would be to show up at your house with a new pair of Purple Vans and a note declaring my apologies. Then, I would hope one day you would accept it. Thanks for caring and I'm sorry I was too stupid to see it.

For the whole majority span of my life, I always dated someone I selflessly hoped in changing or improving for the better. It's not that I am a shallow or picky person, but I want to bring that person out of their comfort zone and to help them reach their full potential to be the beautiful scuplture God created them to be. In most of my relationships, it usually was never about me, but about only him. Now it seems as if I am out of that graceful nobility and I am rather in need for someone to help me change and improve myself for the better. All I've ever wanted is someone who cares... cares enough to try his best to not give up. A boy to be my rainbow after the storm. My pearl from the oyster. My little oasis of heaven in the widespread desert. My steaming cup of hot chocolate with burnt marshmallows on a cold winter morning. My glass of fresh squeezed lemonade with just three ice cubes on a glistening summer evening. A boy who could prove to deserve the key to my heart. He has been nowhere in sight for almost two years. Every boy I've encountered with lately was a pure disappointment or I've made a fool of myself and it was just too late.

So for quite awhile now, I have been done. I'm done for as long as possibly hoping to at least exceed through the end of this year.

No boy is worth it right now or maybe, ever. Please just leave me alone.

[On the road with Wazowski!]

100% Guaranteed.

It pisses me off when people underestimate me of my capabilities with a hint of hypocrisy in their accusations. Hello? You shouldn't be even be uttering any sounds and then try to make things up with excuses. When I'm in no joking matter, I always say what I mean and mean what I say.

Changes.

Too much has happened since the beginning of the summer that regretfully, I can not take back. I look myself in the mirror and I can't recognize myself. I see someone with a face of no more natural tones and no more genuine smiles, but someone who is shrouded in a cloud of scandals. I have never seen myself changed so rapidly in such a small period of time. What ever happened to the sweet, innocent, caring Kathy? It seems all of my best qualities has disintegrated into thin air and now I find myself scandalous, skanky, greedy, and bitchy more than ever. Who am I becoming?

• So what now? It seems as if I'm living it back up to my partying days. I've never partied so hard in my life... four days straight in a row. It all started with finding a whiskey bottle that led to buying a new bottle of Bacardi, chain smoking, multiple beer cans, hook-ups here and there, and then rolling for the first time ever. I'm just waiting for the moment where I fuck up to the point of no return because I feel like what the fuck is the point of my life anymore? It always turns into PURE DISAPPOINTMENT. I don't want to disappoint anyone at all and I don't want to give anyone else the opportunity to disappoint me either so, I'm trying my best to distance myself from everyone especially the one who cares. I love them, but I hate myself and I wouldn't want them to see how I'm like right now. It's the best for everyone for me to slowly rot away, alone. I'm absolutely disgusted at myself and I don't like how I am, but I feel myself slowly adapting into this lifestyle... I want to drink until I literally cry and gag my heart out and black out into the an eternity of night vision. I want to blaze until I feel so numb and feel as if I lost all ability to think and just walk into a traffic jammed street. I want to keep popping pill after pill until I feel as if I need to burst and collapse. I want to sniff coke until all my internal organs feel as if they're going to burn and disintegrate. I just want to end up dead.

• So I started coughing out blood and sickeningly, it amuses me. I've been smoking Parliaments and have had at least 7 a day. It makes me feel less stress and calms me down when I'm angered. I know I'm just increasing to my doom day by day, but I don't know how else to deal with everything right now. Everything's shit.
  

• Unbelievably, it happened and I feel guilty as ever thinking back to those nights. I have no idea what was going through my mind when I made that initiating first call. I don't want to say or admit it, but maybe... deep down inside, I did hope for a little something to happen to consciously get back at him. In the end, it only hurt me though. Friendships between all three of us could have been maintained and appreciated, but I so foolishly destroyed them.

Immunization.

I feel my breathe shortening more quickly as I keep staying in this hell-hole. I can't breathe and I am desperately trying to find an escape for air before my life ends. I know I'm only acting as if I'm immune to those painful words you throw at my heart and those slaps you force across my face. Really, they're just building up and waiting to take over and explode.

Reenactments.

One thing after another... Maybe you're right about me and I really can't change. I'm retracing my steps of last summer, but this time I'm making the footprints three times deeper. Summer isn't as great as I thought I've been living it up to. I want to be alone and I want to forget everything. I feel my heart hardening as I take each breath of air in and out.

Can't help, but...

I think of you and us every now and then. It's funny... are you even back with her? Is she okay? Did she stop drinking? I still care about you immensely and I still miss you a little bit. However, after seeing you yesterday... I feel as if I don't know who you are anymore? Lately, you just seem so careless... Maybe you have been this way forever, but it was just different with me for a little bit. I don't know what to say. :/

Just Friends.

Guess what? I'm not ditching school to go to his house tomorrow morning. Forget him. Forget them all.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Slow down.

I ran for my life today.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Potentiality.

The numbers are progressing again and there is a will to stay away from it all, but it's just too faint. The respectable term, 'Summer' also keeps coming to mind and with summer, that comes along with freedom. Eenie Meenie Minie Moe?

I know if I were to get involved with you, that's a straight one-way ticket back to my old life and all my old habits. Obviously, there isn't much in common between us besides our recklessness and that has to be one of my best and overpowering personality traits. We'll see where this goes.

We've been up and down this path before and let's just face it, we're both too much of a flirt for each other. I've got blindsided tricks up my sleeve and you've got too much of a sharing mentality. I know, for sure that if we do decide to pursue anything, it wouldn't be anything more than just physical attraction.

And then it leads to you. What happens to us after you or I find someone new? I guess I can't really say there is an ' us ' but we do share a connection, don't we? I know you're not a serious person which is why I never even thought of stepping forward into anything with you and what happened between us, merely just happened. So, would we still continue one with what we're doing or do we just move on, forget the past, and act like nothing ever happened? You tell me, because frankly, I don't care at all.

Whatever happens, happens.

Tick tock,

I'm so impossibly BORED with life.

Appreciation.

High school is on a break and summer has started and I've never ever learned to appreciate my friends as much as I have before until now. We're all apart in distance, but together in heart. I love you guys.

The snowball effect.

I don't want to feel this way, but I always still do in the end. I know that no matter how many shots I take, how many cigarettes I smoke, and how many bowls I blaze... I will never ever be able to get rid of this feeling. They fall into my hands so easy and I always settle for the most decent one, even if they're not even that good enough of a person for themselves or for me. I take it into my own hands to try to change either one of us for the better or to give either one of us a chance of happiness. Sometimes, I'm too nice to even say ' no, ' and most of the times, I don't want to say ' no, ' because what if I'm accidentally declining a chance to fall in love again? I can't lie and say that I don't miss you because I do... Everything I've been doing lately is to try to help fill in the now even bigger void that you left me. I've created a snowball effect of my own and I don't even know how to try to stop it. I know whomever I choose is going to be another most likely, temporarily person until I get tired of them and/or someone else remotely a little bit more decent comes along. I can't figure out if I whether truly like a person or I'm just tricking myself into liking them. The worst of all is... these guys don't deserve this crap and I'm such a selfish person right now. I'm risking some friendships and most importantly, my dignity.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Tear stained eyes.

I start to recollect my thoughts and to feel some sort of damp surface my head is facing on. I steadily open my eyes and blink to view a mass of black ink on my pillow. My mascara has smeared onto my pillow case. Painful memories race through my head and I realize that I had, earlier, cried myself to sleep. I feel a sort of concrete blockage on my chest and fear as if my heart no longer exists because I can never feel it beat anymore. Tears begin to emerge in my eyes again and I shake my head trying to make them disappear. I reach for my iPhone set on the left of my bed and see that there are a few text messages to attend to. I read one by one slowly and realize that even though my friends care, I feel more alone than ever. For months and months, I've started to adapt to the lifestyle where I realized that it was okay to be alone. Even though I may be boy-crazed, I really like being alone. I like reaching that level of independence and happiness because there's no room for disappointment and/or to disappoint anyone.

Unfortunately, one day in March led to an accidental relationship that made me unwillingly open myself up to a boy and made my wall of independence tumble down. I liked the boy, but I liked being alone more. Being me, I never liked hurting people's feelings so it took me quite awhile to break up with him. As I broke up with him, another boy started surfacing into my life and I guess, I'm all about chances. I never thought much about this boy, but one day I ran into him while I was hanging out with a group of friends. He was cute and he was a teaser and for him, it was all it took to get me hooked. We started hanging out and not before long, we were an item despite the many things people warned me. Although like the last boy, we didn't last long either and on top of that, he said some really hurtful words that still scar me to this very day. I quickly tried to cut him out of my life.

Once upon a lunch hour, a boy mysteriously appeared at the lunch table I was residing at with fellow friends, Brianna and Minh. Instantly, I was attracted to his neon bright shorts and his cute rectangular glasses. I could see that his perky personality created an aura of happiness to those around him, it had also immediately rubbed off onto me. I have never seen this boy around campus, so therefore I doubted that I would ever see him again. Little did I know, his friend request to my MySpace forced me start thinking about him more and more. With my mind set on getting to know him more, I settled at his lunch spot and so we started interacting more with communication through cellular devices and instant messaging. Soon after, we went to go watch the movie, ' Up ' and ate crepes at Genki Living together along with the company of my cousin, but still it was a delightful ' date. ' We slowly eased into a relationship which for once, someone was able to actually keep me on my tip toes. I haven't been this happy in such a long time as I was, with him. I begin to have the old contagious glow to my face I've lost for more than a year. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted a boy and I was able to feel naturally comfortable around him unlike the last two. I had little doubts, but I had a really big will to make this relationship work for as long as it was to be possible. Little and surprisingly did I know this magicallly wonderful boy was going to break my heart...

As I was facing eviction from this boy's heart, I was also facing a ' walk the plank ' situation with my mother. On top of that, I was facing the absence of my dear beloved human teddy bear and former friends who have given up on me. I've also started to feel two of my closest friends drifting away and beginning to do their own thing together, singling me out. I feel my support system dying out and my heart slowly dipping itself into a quicksand of death. I don't feel any love from anyone. Day by day, it's also making me forget how to love myself once again.

Because of all that crap, I've started to look comfort in someone that I should have not and could have not. I've never imagined to put myself or anyone in that situation, but unfortunately, I can't blame anyone but myself for initiating it. Even though he only cares for me in a fraction out of being acquaintances (maybe friends), it's so much better than nothing. I know I'm only asking for heartache and a bigger black hole of emptiness, but I don't see anyone else willing to help me right now. He has some of the attributes I look for in a boy, but even so it's too late to look at him in that way because we've gone too far as friends already. I'm only going to him for the purpose of comfort and sense of security that I've so recently lost. I already know he's a temporary coping escape and he may only be here for another month or so until he gets tired of me, but at least for a month, I won't feel so consciously alone. There's a great big possibility that as long as I am ' with ' him, I probably wouldn't even realize the next great big thing right beside me because I'm already settling for ... not even second best or even a nomination in the best category.

Recap.

I tilt my head slightly to my left, waiting for the sound of a distant door to be closed and the familiar sound of a doorknob being locked. I watch in the rear corners of my eyes to see the pair of feet slowly step out of view. ' Click. ' I now have approximately less than ten minutes to get the hell out of this place. I quickly head to my bathroom and open my medicine cabinet and knock the necessarily toiletries into my bag as fast as possible. I hurriedly put on the usual accessories I never leave my house without: my necklace, my friendship bracelet, my rosary bracelet, my saints' portraits necklace, my serpent watch, my white rose ring, and my bluebird ring. I run to my dresser table and grab a clean pair of underwear and shorts and stuff them messily away. I put the note I have prepared an hour ahead on my bed and quickly scan for a number on my iPhone. I crept silently across the hall, passing the busy shower that contains the person I'm running away from, my mother. I half-step into my pair of sandals and book it, not knowing when the next time I'm going to return is. In my wallet, there is only seven dollars. The adrenaline rush causes me to just run, run, and run. ' I love you, " I whisper to the wind, foolishly hoping it would carry those words to my mother.

Tangled.

I'm caught in this spider web and it's getting too sticky to get out of, but I think I kind of like it...

Thinking about you.

What I did wasn't right, but I have no regrets that I did it so. It helped me regain a sense of security that I've recently lost.

Shit happens.

Codependency.

I hate it. It's another point in time where I just want to be alone again. It feels better when there's absolutely nobody by my side. I try so hard, so very much hard to have the teensiest bit of hope in the person who claims to be there for me and they fuck it up so much. I don't want to depend on anyone because when I do, there's always has to be room for fucking disappointment. Well, the disappointment is overflowing like a volcano erupting and destroying the island of Hawaii and I'm Hawaii. It's another matter of mere days where I'll break completely. I don't know if I can survive this summer. I still don't see myself heading anywhere.

Money can't buy you happiness,

Neither does shoplifting or stealing things. I don't know how it all came to this. I'm once again, discontent.

Kleptomaniac.

Damn, I can't remember the last time I went somewhere and did not try to take anything. What the fucccccck? :(

Me < Nothing.

I don't know if you can redeem yourself after the words you have spoken to me three days ago. It burnt a hole in my chest that one person I love deeply so much just doesn't support me and most importantly, never believed in me. If you can't understand the situation I'm in, instead of criticizing, why couldn't you try to at least take a stroll down memory lane in my shoes? I'm sorry I'm not as strong-willed as you. I'm sorry I care too much. I'm sorry that I give almost everybody I meet a chance because I know what it feels like to be given up on right on the spot. I'm sorry you, like many others have accepted that I'm a failure long ago and I was never gonna change; now that I have, you can't even recognize that everyday I'm out on the streets with a radiant glow on my face. I'm sorry I'm not worth as a friend for you.

[On the road with my iPhone.]

Thump, thump, STOP!

It's ironic... You criticize me so I won't turn to the object that destroys me, but the only thing it does is pushes me closer to it. You officially broke one of the very few remaining pieces of my heart. I'm slowly losing sight of who I am and why I'm still here. I'm aching so much for some way of escape. A route to detour the pain my heart feels. I want to feel so numb to the point I can't even recognize that I'm thinking or something. Please, if anyone else wants to just give up, please do it now. Do it all at once, so I can let go and move on.

The final word.

I still can't believe you actually had the courage to utter those break-or-make words out into the open air to silently creep in and through my delicate, fragile ears. It wont' be long until I will not see you around anymore, but the unfortunate thing is those heartbreaking words keep echoing over and over in my heart, mind, and soul. It's quietly and slowly destroying the inside remnants of my spirit.

You helped me further the process of never being able to love myself.

Happiness.

Roaming through a field of flowers on a golden summer day with my brown bag slung over my shoulder and camera in hand, impatiently waiting for a scene of action-packed thrill or a still-life of mother's nature perfections. Fedora on my head and medium sized hair swinging back and forth due to the beautiful light breeze while I walk, seeking for the sight of happiness. White v-neck, tan shorts, and hiking boots provide the best sense of security and comfort for the environment I'm in.

Nothing beats the feeling of this.

Attraction at first sight,

I haven't smiled like this in forever. Thank you Jonathan Perkinson. There are urges to hide and run away, but I'll try my best not to because there are no excuses strong enough to overpower the fact that you make me very, very extraordinary happy.

Hip, Hip, Hooray...

Risks, chances, and those leaps of faith. Don't you understand that I've already took enough of those for the rest of my life.

Bittersweet.

So it seems as if I've found a friend who likes and values me as I am. Why is it though I can't feel the same about myself still? :/

[On the road with my iPhone.]

Nightmares,

• I came to school, drunk.
• I got so high, I fiercely walked into the roaring traffic-filled street.
  

Momentarily.

It seems like even the happiest of relationships sooner or later has to reach its breaking point. You know what they say, love is just a word until someone comes along and gives a meaning to it. I just wish that upon the first step you take with someone of the opposite sex that there would be a sign of certainty that could be descended on you so you shall know whether or not to continue going along with it or not. It's been more than half a year and my walls are still tall and strong than ever now. It seems the minute I start to let my guard a little bit down due to some flattering praise from the boy who is trying to pursue me, the next minute after, they immediately try to inflict damage onto my wall. I'm scared sooner or later, my wall will capture me in forever reigns.

What you said today really upset me. I've never felt so much hate in a sentence directed towards me. It's funny because I honestly was starting to think that you DID care and you WEREN'T going to give up. I had a teensy weensy fraction of hope for us again, but it didn't take you long to playfully destroy it. I don't know if I'll ever speak to you again... I tried to make at least a friendship work, but it seems as if the damage is way beyond repair now. You broke us and you took a small crack at me too. Thanks.

Betrayal.

Some people just underestimate the amount of love and care I have for them therefore they slowly start to demean me. One of the things lately, I've been taking a little bit of pride in is my soberness and my ability to let go of my past life. For all my old friends and my new friends, I want to achieve in trying to be an example to them that we seriously don't need any of this crap. Life may get out of hand sometimes and that should be a good enough reason for us to turn to each other, not to turn to alcohol or drugs. I know for the temporarily moment, it may seem like such a life-saving release, but in the long run, it's honestly an infection that destroyed something potentially beautiful about us. I'm speaking these words not just out of a spontaneous moment of thought from my heart and mind, but out of life-hardening experience. I don't want, even if it was to be even the one person I absolutely hate in this galaxy, to go through any similar scenario I have. It exasperates me that my friends have seen me firsthand fuck up to the core and they still don't understand. It honestly feels like a stab to the heart. I feel at fault and mostly indefinitely obligated to change their point of view. I would even repeat the past all over again just to try to prove my point because dealing with the consequences myself are worth it for them, but not worth it for them to make those similar mistakes themselves. I believe in each and every one of my friends could change the world. It just starts with one random act of kindness. I hope they could see the good and admiration and hope I see in them.

I don't want to turn to hypocrisy, but if it's my last resort to make them truly see then I would.

I love you, please don't ever forget that.

Take time to realize,

I liked how it was today when it was just the two of us. It reminded me of why I started liking you in the first place. Unfortunately, it didn't take long for reality to hit and destroy the tingly senses of my feelings of restored admiration for you. I desperately want to be there for you, but I can't be sure if it's for as either a friend or your girlfriend again. The most important thing is I want the both of us to be happy and I'm beginning to think that can't happen with the two of us together. We both have flaws that neither of us can tolerate with. Undeniably, we are also too stubborn for each other and maybe I just don't like you enough to let you win. It'd also be a different story if I liked you enough to NOT let you win. I don't know... There are so many things I dislike about you and I wish I could change about you which probably proves a point that we shouldn't be together. Nobody should be in a relationship where they would want to change their companion in any way unless, maybe for a very beneficial turn of perspective. I just wish you were more open-minded and understanding so you can possibly see the world in a different light. It seems as if you went through high school with not enough drama to give you the opportunity to GROW UP.

If I had half a penny for every time you pissed me off, I'd probably have two mini-coopers right now... One for me and one for my best friend. It just frustrates me, but can't you see? I care and just want what's best for you. We have more than enough down's than up's, but you still mean something me.

Craving?

Just a sip to make me feel all better, but I don't need it. I'm better off, better off without a lot of people and things especially including you.

Fade into the background...

I don't know...

Does that describe how I've been feeling? It's not like the " I don't know " as in I do know, but I don't want to say it, but I seriously DO NOT know how I'm feeling or what's going through my mind. For the first time in my life, I feel completely and TRULY lost... I feel as if every pigment of my skin is slowly disappearing into thin air so soon enough it won't even feel like I even exist on the face of this planet. I don't know what it is I should do to get rid of this misery. I've never had such a horrible and miserable week in my whole life even when life was fucked up to the core. I feel like as if my life has been so bitterly unproductive that my profound uselessness is making me feel as if I'm rotting away. It doesn't feel as if I'm depressed, but rather than that I'm so damn stressed. I just want to scream to the top of my lungs and have the wind push me back onto my knees. I'm painfully suffocating due to being trapped in an unknown compartment and I need to be released to suck in some form of oxygen. I'm deeply paranoid that there may be no solution to this " broken " me and at this point, even maybe a simple distraction may not be able " help " me. Wherever I am right now, I don't want to be here. I want to hide, run away, disappear wherever the relief may be. I just want to leave and run and see where I could possibly end up. If there was a word deeper than the meaning for " empty ", I'm residing in those terms. I just want a hand to hold on to, but that doesn't seem possible right now because no one seems to understand the type of consolation I'm seeking for. The face I'm wearing, I'm guessing is quite a disguise to the common folks. Ha. Ha. Ha.

The worst thing would be is if we were to drift away from each other, but it's not even close to that and it seems as if we're at the point to no return. We're still here in each other's presence, but it feels as if we lost each other. We lost each other's significance. Many signs show and try to prove that we're meant to be, and that's what I want to sincerely believe because I love you very much so. I hope you can read the signs and try to rescue me. All this time, I've still been trying to do it alone, but I honestly can't, I cannot do this without you. Please don't forget me. It's starting to feel as if everyone else has, but please, I need you. You're my best friend. If it feels as if I've been neglecting you, I'm not purposely trying not to... It's just, I've lost my sense of thought and mind therefore technical difficulties serve me not to spreak in proper terms with you. It's not you, it's me. I don't remember how to converse anymore and now that it's been almost a while, it feels better to just be close-mouthed.

Like you didn't even hear a sound, right?

Pulsating.

The vein on my wrist is pulsing tripple what my heart is ordinarily beating. It's screaming for some type of release, but I wouldn't bear to do that crime to myself again. I'm losing myself again... I don't know who can help if I can't even help myself.

[On the road with my iPhone.]

To be free,

The world is so beautiful, but unfortunately I'm stuck here. One day, I shall be set free to spread my wings and fly all from the west coast to the east coast and back.

But?

I want to write, but my mind won't speak for itself anymore has been sending mix signals. I feel as if I'm losing myself and the only way to regain consciousness is to take a stroll down memory lane and relive it. I can't go back to that though... I just can't. The more my yearning may increase, the sooner my downfall will begin to settle in.

Unfortunately, I don't mind. I don't mind at all.

Scapegoat.

The excuse should be because the economy sucks, not because it's your daughter's fault. I lost my voice for the first time in a long time today, and it was not prior to cheerful yelping, but to bitchy arguing.

Why can't we just be one big happy family?

Q WORD ERTY.

I can't talk anymore. I absolutely can't talk anymore. I don't know how to express myself with urged sounds from my lungs anymore. The only way that works now is expressing myself with printed words. I'm writing to my heart's content but even with that, it doesn't help. The people I want to reach out with my newly founded figurative style of language is not reading them. I'm as equivalent to a mute person right now.

Infatuation.

I'm outraged. WHAT IS THIS? What the hell are you trying to tell me? You have not spoken a BEAT for the longest time and today you decide to flood me with a thousand thumps repeatedly.

I like you.
I don't like you.
I want my space.
I want you to be there.
I miss you.
I despise the thought of you.
I want to hug you.
Keep a distance away from me.
Why aren't you talking?
SHUT UP.
I wish you'd appear at my locker.
What the hell are you doing at my locker.
You're cute.
Why am I even this close to you?

WHAT THE F*** ?! :( I wish I didn't feel at all. I wish I had no emotions. I want to be emotionless so I won't have to worry on such a thing like you. I HATE IT. You have no idea. I'M JUST NOT READY OKAY. I'm not ready to let anyone have a PEEK OF MY HEART. It's behind close corridors and will STAY THAT WAY. I don't want distractions from school or church. I don't want to have to choose you over my friends. I don't want to talk on the phone with you every night. I don't want to spend my weekends with you. I want to be independent I'M JUST FINDING EXCUSES, but I do care about you and I do like you. :/

I just ... I want you to go away, but of course you're not... and I can't go away either. It's complicated... I don't even understand myself sometimes.

I'm passing up on opportunities and great people. I'm sorry.

Absense.

Maybe you'd still know what's going on in my life if you've took the time to call every once in awhile. I'm sorry you're too busy for me... Remember all the times you decline and reject my invitations to you? I'm sorry I have to unintentionally do the same now and it's not because I don't want to either, it's because I can't. It's just a taste of your medicine in a way. I'm just annoyed... because sometimes it doesn't seem like you care about me anymore. I love you like my sister, but lately I'm not treated like one anymore.

Amazing grace,

How sweet the sound, that saved a wretch like me.
I was once was lost, but now am found.
Was blind, but now I see.

Why was it that I recently had an obsession with bodily damages such as piercings and tattoos? I feel as if I have been so low profile recently that I need to start an image for myself again, but for whom? I just come to sense that, that was a foolish idea and I should happily accept myself for who I am presently... because I'm not who I have been anymore. Who am I hates who I have been. I don't need anyone's acceptance, but my own from now on.

I love God. He reminded me that I'm still loved even as though I was starting to forget and I hope all of you don't forget that both he and I loves you too.

I won't give up on myself or you, but I also hope that you don't follow down the same rocky road I ventured on. You've seen me make my mistakes firsthand and I hope you can visualize them again as a precaution to not make any of the same liking. I love you and I want you to go down this path with me on becoming a better person.

When push comes to shove,

I wish I was 18.

Mistakes we knew we would be making.

Last year, I fell in love with you around this time of the year. It started off as a coincidence and bloomed into a love story. It's nice to reminisce every once in awhile.

Me, Myself, and I.

The unsteadily race of your heartbeats, the movement of your muscles tightening, and your shaking nervousness of your knees... It's all leading up to fear. I couldn't help, but to hesitantly answer the questions. You can't expect to barge into my house and for me to sympathize with you like I used to do with everyone else. Times have change and even though you may be here to help me, I don't know you and you most certainly can't expect to be my friend so please shove your business card back up your ass. Despite your convincingly gentle, likable voice along with your charming, gracious personality... I can't seem to trust you. Your presence brought visions of my nightmares back... and you noticed what no one else has yet. The more you addressed to me, the more I had to restrict myself from opening my heart out to you. Undeniably, the problem isn't you... it's me.

Lately, I've been emotionless and I was beginning to wonder when my prior feelings were going to kick in again. Now, there's no stopping them... not even my medication. The one thing I've been seeking for all this time still has not made its way to me yet and break down the walls. I've been so closed-mouth because I sense a prolonging disturbance of nonsense every time I pursue to open my mouth about how I've been feeling. There's just no point anymore because obviously it seems that no one is able to differentiate what and why I'm feeling this way. I'm nonchalantly scrolling down the view of my numerous contacts list and all I seem to pass by is a bunch of unfamiliar names even those whom I've given the trademark to be resided in my heart, those significant human beings in my life that I've called my best friends. Of course, nothing is stopping me from helping myself, but why is it that I can't seem to depend on anyone anymore including the people with the degree of that profession. I can't seem to distinguish between the fact of if is it because I'm either shutting myself out from the world again or if it's because my mouth is impossibly unwilling to pour out the contents of my heart. I'm hoping someone with notability to just get it, but who am I kidding? There's no one of that skill present in my life anymore who can realize the expressiveness of my desires. The desire to have a hand to hold while the pain is still combating to take over. Unfortunately, the solicitude for a release of the past does not seem to be coming.

Brainache.

. . .

Off the market.

It caught me by surprise today and it wasn't a bad one either. I gave someone the initiative, but they didn't take it so he took their place and shocked me. I realized I like him more than I thought I did. Right now, it's a simple infatuation, a simple crush, and a simple relationship. We'll see where this goes and I know there won't be any bad turns and dead-ends.

Magical myths?

I've always been fearful of growing up and losing that resemblance of a special person or moment. It feels as if I'm still so far from happiness. I'm touching adolescence alone.

As I was watching Nick and Norah's infinite playlist, I was trying to search for a time where I used to feel for a guy that way too. It seems as we grow up, we lose sight of what has always been a little thing, but brought an immensity of joy to our lives. That whirlwind of a race of fluttering butterflies in your stomach, the lotion-fied, but still sweaty palms, the crack of nervousness in your voice, and when it finally all added up to a crush. What about the time when you and your best friend were skipping across the busy intersection vocalizing the Oscar Meyer's bologna song to the point where the birds in the trees might drop dead. Then you enter high school and you meet that despicable fistfuls of assholes guy and you totally fall in love with him. He then crushed your heart and now you guys act like you don't know each other, but deep down inside... You guys knew what you had was real.

So does everything real eventually fade away to this mediocre world we live in now? Have we all lost sight what used to make this world enlightening colorful? What I see is sad and dull shades of grey like the old antenna television in an old retirement house.

Best Friend - Why does it seem like everyone " older " I asked does not have a best friend (anymore), but just close friends? Is the idea of a best friend that bad now? It seems like as you get older, you get fucked over too many times to even consider giving someone that significance of a title anymore. It takes months, if not years to build up trust. Yet in seconds, it could be damaged beyond repair. " Do you remember in kindergarten, how you'd meet a kid, and know nothing about them, then 10 seconds later you'd be playing like you were best friends, because you didn't have to be anyone but yourself? " So is being yourself just simply not good enough?

Crush - A smile creeps upon your face as the image of that person meditates in your mind. You start to walk slow every time with that person to appreciate the moments you have together no matter how brief. Your palms begin to moisturize with a thin layer of sweat. The notebook you use for math notes is no longer filled with equations and theories, but x's and o's accompanied by his name. Your phone is permanently cemented in your hand hoping the next time it lights up, his name will be displayed across the screen. You agonize five minutes to reply to their text. Heart over mind, that person is the only thing that's on your mind. After awhile, you're off cloud nine and back to reality, that's when you start realizing the flaws.

First Love - After awhile, you've been so disappointed the puddle of all that not even half decent guys in your life, you'd want to give up. As soon as you have made the pledge to stay away, someone sweeps you off your feet with their unwitting charm. Too difficult to resist, you fall. It's not the simple crush where your heart is the only organ in your body working and controlling others, but also your brain is functioning quite more. The first person who makes you think and feel more than you ever have. They make you want to be better for yourselves, but not necessarily change yourself. Love is like stepping onto wet cement, the longer you stay, the more difficult and painful it is to leave, and you can never move on without imprinting your footsteps behind.

We all have our firsts, both good and bad sooner or later. Now, it all seems too good to be true and a distance of far-fetched.

Prozac,

My heart's pounding and I can't breathe. I'm gasping for air and I'm silently whispering for help though knowing it'll never come. It has upgraded to a whole new level and I'm too dumbfounded to know how to deal with it. I'm struggling to stay away from my addiction, but it's still always calling out to me... It still feels as if it's the only thing that could help me right now. I know that's wrong, but I just love the thought of it.

Numbness, what I would kill for that.

Like father, like daughter?

My dad used to be quite the social butterfly unlike the old bloke he is now. Dinner parties, kickbacks, he did it all. Along with his alcoholism, I guess I did take after him like my mom says. He just keeps to himself now... He doesn't want friends anyone and he just wants to die alone, I guess. The funny thing is, I've never looked up to my father at all, but I'm turning out to be exactly like him. Even though I'm not close to him and I so disregard him as my own blood, I actually can relate to him more than I thought so and to anyone else.

Sunday morning,

Rain is falling. You can never get tired of Maroon 5, seriously. My first CD was from them. :) Rain was definitely falling this morning, both literally and metaphorically. I wish I could maintain a tighter relationship with my mom, but at times it just seems so IMPOSSIBLE. Sunday is our full-on FIGHT day. I'm glad I have my iPhone otherwise sometimes I wouldn't be able to shield the painful words she'd say. It doesn't mean I turn it on full blast and disregard EVERY SINGLE WORD she says, but I do turn it on to a required level where I could sing along to the song in my mind, but also pay attention to what she has to bitch about. I love my mom, but she's hard-headed and always thinks she's right. I can see where I get that from now. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, the joy of family genetics. The thing that pissed me off today was how my mom and I can't compromised on our faith.

The only thing that has keep me happy lately is my faith. My returning faith in God. I'm glad I got the push to go to Life Night again last Sunday. Today, going to church. I just wanted to scream, " I love you, God ". Also upon seeing all those faces I used to dislike, I just wanted to run up to them and hug them. Of course, I'm not going to turn into some bible-hugging nun-like person, but I'm just happy that I got my faith back. For some reason, my mom can't see that. I know I've lied about going to church to her before and I know I don't have her trust back, but even with the reliablity of Theresa... she's still scared that I'm still going down the same old path which means randomly coming home drunk again some night. There's no way I can reassure her that, that won't happen anymore, but I am doing my best to prevent that from happening. I don't want to hurt my mom anymore. Family's important... I have put my friends before family, but I realize... Family is the only one that's always going to be there for you in the end. That's why God put them there in the first place.

P.S. - Dear God, please help me not lose sight of whom and what should be important to me. I'm willing to change now.

Prayers are appreciated, thanks.

History:

3/20 - I don't know why I'm dreading to make this blog post, but I feel like I just have to say something about everything. "Sometimes you don't want to move on forward is because you've been let down so many times before". I've realized that all this time, I've always had the support... but I've just been pushing it away and lately, that's all I'm good for. Addiction hurts... The yearning my heart has put upon me... just causes me to tear up every time I'm thinking about it. I don't have to go through this alone yet it's the option I've chosen. I guess, in a sense... I feel like I've been betrayed and let down upon enough already. I hate it... I hate how someone magically comes along and tries to pick me up in the my butt-imprinted spot and the moment I fall down again... They leave. If I was strong enough to not fall again in the first place, I wouldn't need the support to be helped up in the first place. I don't expect anyone to stay around to help me anymore... which is why I guess I'm not considering to let anyone help me either. I've been lagging for that one phone call that could change my life back for almost a week now. I'm scared... because it's going to take a lot since most importantly, I'm not asking for the support from the two most significant people in that my life that would help me. I don't know how I'm going to do this myself... and to be honest, I don't even want to do it because of that. The program is designed to help people who really want to help themselves. And as of right now, I don't think I have enough willpower to help myself. The person's shoulder I want is present, but I just can't go to it... I've pushed and scratched and screamed for it to go away and they have left and I also have half-heartedly started letting go. I want to hold on to that person so bad, but they're slowly slipping through my fingers and my fingers are not obeying all my signals and motions to grab on to whatever little piece of our friendship left. I wish you were still here and I wish you could understand and see that... I miss you and I need you.

Sometimes I don't even feel my heart beating anymore. I'm honestly dead inside and have been all this time.

I haven't even been doing what I'm supposed to do and it's killing me more inside. It's come to the point where it's not that I can't anymore, it's come to the point where I probably won't. Instead of willing to follow the constructive way, I'm only willing to follow the malevolent and destructive way to my downfall. I want my body, heart, and mind to numb down until I fall back to the point of possibly no return. Don't get me wrong, I'm still staying away... but I don't know for how much longer I'll be able to anymore.


3/14 - I wish it's as easy for me as it's for you, but it's not and I'm insanely jealous. I've acknowledged that I have the problem, but why should it mean that I should fix it? Maybe, I don't want to. Maybe, I've agreed that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. Maybe, it's what I want to do everyday until every speck of color in my vision slowly fades away to that one pitch dark color. I hate how everyone expects me to JUST stay away from it especially when they provide the opportunity for it to be right in front of my FACE. It isn't that easy. I couldn't even make it easy no matter how much I would want it to because my system has programmed me to say yes every time it's in my presence. No matter how much I set my limit to be, I exceed it... My mind's telling me no, my heart's telling me yes, and my soul has already departed. Somehow I keep going... even as my body is failing me... nothing can keep me away. The veins of my hands and feet loses all the correct senses empowered by my brain and listens to my heart instead. It already has even come to the point where I've chosen it over myself. I hate that I love it so much. Even though it's destroying me, deep down inside it's honestly saving me. If there was a choice for me to either keep on feeling my heart or for it to completely stop, I'd pick for it to stop hands down. Lately all it's been feeling is pain.. and maybe I just don't want to feel it anymore because when the chance comes for me to be happy again, it probably wouldn't be the same either. My smile wouldn't brighten up a room like it used to. The face I'm wearing everyday is just a plastered on face. It just seems like Old Kathy is officially dead... and the soul in my body right now... it's just a lost one.

Alcohol makes me feel like a dam that's like breaking out, though the after-effect includes concrete damage, all the waterworks would be at least gone...


3/7 - Have you ever wondered where people go when they leave the bus? If they have a real destination or they're just getting off of it as their own desires pleases. As I observed the many people on and off the buses I've been on, I see the same expression on their faces, "Where am I going?" Some people as they get off the bus seems to have the answer, but as for the others like myself, we're lost and we long for an escape route. Going straight forever isn't always the answer especially if you're not going to stop and smell the flowers every once in awhile. There's always going to be stops. The unintentional ones, the roadblocks, the constructional zones, technical difficulties, and the moment when you just got to get off because you've reached your destination. Also, the road doesn't go straight forever. There's curves and dead ends and that's when you have to U-Turn and find a new road to venture upon. Sometimes there's a moment in life where you wander off your path for whatever reason, maybe a breath of fresh air of the same old routine of your life. Although wandering rarely gets you to your destination, it might be what you need as the escape route.

I've been waiting for a moment like this forever. It feels right, but at the same time it also doesn't and that I don't know why. I look out into the horizon and I realize the world is so big and there's so much out there. Laying down on my christmas blanket, digging my toes into the sand, and singing along to the music on my iPhone, I open my eyes and look out onto the sky. It was the most perfect shade of sky blue. The sky was so clear and in the distance over the horizon, you see a line of perfectly shaped clouds and the wind was just right. It was a beautiful day, the ones where you don't want it to happen all the time because if it did, you wouldn't appreciate it as much. I wish I still had my long hair, so I could let it down and feel the breeze through it. It has been awhile since I've been at the shoreline of the beach. I was happy that I came today, but there was also a hint of sadness in my heart. It brought back memories, both pleasant and not so pleasant. I wanted to sit there on my blanket forever today. For the first time in a long time, I had a sense of home, of being home. There was just one thing missing though, someone I could never get ahold of ever again. We never even said goodbye and maybe that's why sometimes I feel so lost.