History:

3/20 - I don't know why I'm dreading to make this blog post, but I feel like I just have to say something about everything. "Sometimes you don't want to move on forward is because you've been let down so many times before". I've realized that all this time, I've always had the support... but I've just been pushing it away and lately, that's all I'm good for. Addiction hurts... The yearning my heart has put upon me... just causes me to tear up every time I'm thinking about it. I don't have to go through this alone yet it's the option I've chosen. I guess, in a sense... I feel like I've been betrayed and let down upon enough already. I hate it... I hate how someone magically comes along and tries to pick me up in the my butt-imprinted spot and the moment I fall down again... They leave. If I was strong enough to not fall again in the first place, I wouldn't need the support to be helped up in the first place. I don't expect anyone to stay around to help me anymore... which is why I guess I'm not considering to let anyone help me either. I've been lagging for that one phone call that could change my life back for almost a week now. I'm scared... because it's going to take a lot since most importantly, I'm not asking for the support from the two most significant people in that my life that would help me. I don't know how I'm going to do this myself... and to be honest, I don't even want to do it because of that. The program is designed to help people who really want to help themselves. And as of right now, I don't think I have enough willpower to help myself. The person's shoulder I want is present, but I just can't go to it... I've pushed and scratched and screamed for it to go away and they have left and I also have half-heartedly started letting go. I want to hold on to that person so bad, but they're slowly slipping through my fingers and my fingers are not obeying all my signals and motions to grab on to whatever little piece of our friendship left. I wish you were still here and I wish you could understand and see that... I miss you and I need you.

Sometimes I don't even feel my heart beating anymore. I'm honestly dead inside and have been all this time.

I haven't even been doing what I'm supposed to do and it's killing me more inside. It's come to the point where it's not that I can't anymore, it's come to the point where I probably won't. Instead of willing to follow the constructive way, I'm only willing to follow the malevolent and destructive way to my downfall. I want my body, heart, and mind to numb down until I fall back to the point of possibly no return. Don't get me wrong, I'm still staying away... but I don't know for how much longer I'll be able to anymore.


3/14 - I wish it's as easy for me as it's for you, but it's not and I'm insanely jealous. I've acknowledged that I have the problem, but why should it mean that I should fix it? Maybe, I don't want to. Maybe, I've agreed that I'm going to be like this for the rest of my life. Maybe, it's what I want to do everyday until every speck of color in my vision slowly fades away to that one pitch dark color. I hate how everyone expects me to JUST stay away from it especially when they provide the opportunity for it to be right in front of my FACE. It isn't that easy. I couldn't even make it easy no matter how much I would want it to because my system has programmed me to say yes every time it's in my presence. No matter how much I set my limit to be, I exceed it... My mind's telling me no, my heart's telling me yes, and my soul has already departed. Somehow I keep going... even as my body is failing me... nothing can keep me away. The veins of my hands and feet loses all the correct senses empowered by my brain and listens to my heart instead. It already has even come to the point where I've chosen it over myself. I hate that I love it so much. Even though it's destroying me, deep down inside it's honestly saving me. If there was a choice for me to either keep on feeling my heart or for it to completely stop, I'd pick for it to stop hands down. Lately all it's been feeling is pain.. and maybe I just don't want to feel it anymore because when the chance comes for me to be happy again, it probably wouldn't be the same either. My smile wouldn't brighten up a room like it used to. The face I'm wearing everyday is just a plastered on face. It just seems like Old Kathy is officially dead... and the soul in my body right now... it's just a lost one.

Alcohol makes me feel like a dam that's like breaking out, though the after-effect includes concrete damage, all the waterworks would be at least gone...


3/7 - Have you ever wondered where people go when they leave the bus? If they have a real destination or they're just getting off of it as their own desires pleases. As I observed the many people on and off the buses I've been on, I see the same expression on their faces, "Where am I going?" Some people as they get off the bus seems to have the answer, but as for the others like myself, we're lost and we long for an escape route. Going straight forever isn't always the answer especially if you're not going to stop and smell the flowers every once in awhile. There's always going to be stops. The unintentional ones, the roadblocks, the constructional zones, technical difficulties, and the moment when you just got to get off because you've reached your destination. Also, the road doesn't go straight forever. There's curves and dead ends and that's when you have to U-Turn and find a new road to venture upon. Sometimes there's a moment in life where you wander off your path for whatever reason, maybe a breath of fresh air of the same old routine of your life. Although wandering rarely gets you to your destination, it might be what you need as the escape route.

I've been waiting for a moment like this forever. It feels right, but at the same time it also doesn't and that I don't know why. I look out into the horizon and I realize the world is so big and there's so much out there. Laying down on my christmas blanket, digging my toes into the sand, and singing along to the music on my iPhone, I open my eyes and look out onto the sky. It was the most perfect shade of sky blue. The sky was so clear and in the distance over the horizon, you see a line of perfectly shaped clouds and the wind was just right. It was a beautiful day, the ones where you don't want it to happen all the time because if it did, you wouldn't appreciate it as much. I wish I still had my long hair, so I could let it down and feel the breeze through it. It has been awhile since I've been at the shoreline of the beach. I was happy that I came today, but there was also a hint of sadness in my heart. It brought back memories, both pleasant and not so pleasant. I wanted to sit there on my blanket forever today. For the first time in a long time, I had a sense of home, of being home. There was just one thing missing though, someone I could never get ahold of ever again. We never even said goodbye and maybe that's why sometimes I feel so lost.