Repeat.

I find myself constantly being let down by so many people.

...Married?

I was married... To whom, I don't remember, but he... he was my absolute dream guy. I was still around church and a leader too. We were in our early twenties. I gave birth to a beautifuly baby girl, a little bit disappointed at first that it wasn't a boy, but I gave in when I saw her beautiful face. She was abnormally small and need more care then ever. She never cried, and hardly ate, but slept a lot. She was always in my arms and in other people's arms that I only trusted. LOL, she was able to repeat after me... when I said people's names. It was cute. One day, my husband and I went out with Lily. We saw our old friends... the people back then in our high school days. They mocked us... They said we were too young to get married and we didn't know crap. My husband got offended and said we were in love and we were not too young. We grew up unlike any of them and actually went somewhere with our lives. They shutted up and said sorry. One of them asked to hold my baby. I hesistated, but let... since this was a very old friend. He lost my baby... and I pushed him down and got on top of him and was about to deck him in the face. He was among tears. My husband pulled me off because Mike, Sean, and Father Juan threatened to fire me, LOL. I went around the whole town looking for her and crying. My husband did too and finally like a year, we gave up. We packed our bags and went to Europe. My husband joked around and said maybe it was fate so now you can give birth to the first baby boy you ever wanted. I punched him in the gut. LOL

What a hella weird ass dream.

Stay true to yourself.

Lately, It feels as if I given up on the idea of love. I know it exists and I know it's out there, somewhere. However, it seems too rare on a day where you're just skipping down the streets. I'm discouraged and disappointed to the fact that I don't want to try anymore, yet if I don't try... I may never be able to find it again. There always used to be a few guys or maybe a bunch on my tails, but I guess my charm has just died down and now there's only one or two pursuers every now and then. I guess I've put myself out there too much than I used to and my chances for love just went down the drain. I rather be alone then settle.

• The guy who would make the occasional visit to church with me and wouldn't be afraid to hold my hand or put his arm around my shoulder during mass. It shouldn't look like he's all over me, but more like... he's just adding on to the love and security God has given me already.
• The guy who would cook and bake with me while dancing along to the radio.
  
• The guy who shares the same taste in music as me and we'd could just lay down on his bed and share a pair of earphones and sing off-tune to each other.
  
• The guy who would never make any of our friends feel as if they're an extra wheel.
  
• The guy who would surprise me with a spontaneous single dates every ONCE in awhile.
• The guy who would play basketball, football, and jog around mile square park with me.
• The guy who would take a picnic basket and bus to the beach with me.
• The guy who would shield my eyes from the gory parts in scary movies.
• The guy who wouldn't try to make me feel up when I'm down and down when I'm up.
• The guy who would know when to put up with my shit and when to not.
• The guy who would lay down the law for me because sometimes I just don't know how to.
• The guy who wouldn't ditch his friends for me and wouldn't make me ditch my friends for him.
• The guy who would just like me for me and wouldn't change me no matter what except if it was for the sincere better.
  

Don't leave...

She's becoming more grim and sick everyday. She poorly survived two heart-attacks in the past year. She lays down at seven o' clock and makes more than the usual once a month doctor visit. She skims through her daily prayer in about ten minutes which used to be a sacrificial holy hour to God everyday. The signs all lead to one tragedy, old age. The past sixty years of her life was dedicated to pleasing all of those around her even if she was mistreated by them. All the pain and suffering most people can't imagine, she survived through. At age 16, she was forced into an arranged marriage with a man ten years older than her. Soon after, she lost her most beloved person in the world, her father to the Vietnam War. She gave birth to a beautiful baby boy who was pulled into custody of the father's family who openly despised of her. Her youngest sister was always in need of help and she so nicely gave her a place to stay. Once, while she was in the shower, her sister locked the door from the outside and stole every piece of clothing, furniture, object (inexpensive or not) and sold it to the market. She went through a stage of depression and anxiety while going through her second pregnancy. The baby girl only survived for an hour before it was given to the hands of God. Her husband and son left off to the states and she tried to move on past everything for a better life. She met a man with whom she adopted a young girl from an orphanage. They lived together, but with pure chastity. She was in love, but staying true to her religion, she objected any means of a divorce. She thought her life was in peace, but not before long. She received word from her youngest sister that her son was being mistreated in the states. She left her true love and her step-daughter for her blood-son. Her son grew up miserably without a mother and she came back into his life way too late. He had a small grudge against her and left for the army. She became tangled in a web with her husband again and conceived a daughter. She swore this time to do things right and she hoped for this baby girl to have what she never had: Love, Success, and Security. Her daughter was the only thing she had left close and dear to her. Her true love passed away from cancer and her step-daughter grew up only using her for money. Thankfully, her blood-daughter was exceeding through school and given selected leadership roles in her church. She was never more proud until the day she saw her daughter come home drunk and her life once again went tumbling down. Her hope and strength were weakening by the minutes. God, please show her some mercy. I need her.

Sorry,

I already know I'm going to fuck up.

9132.)

I only see what could have been, in my dreams. What I wouldn't give to sleep, just to be with you forever.





That makes me want to cry.

Could've...

I was re-reading our instant messages and ... I am so sorry I was too blind to see that we could've had something great. I just wish you were well and I shouldn't be hearing the things about you right now. You deserve better.

It's time to grow up.

I just oh so much love the fact of how you totally disregard my feelings. I feel as if you're blind right now and you don't see what's the best for the both of us, separately and together. Why can't you just chill? We don't need to party or get fucked up to have fun. I have no problem with drinking occasionally, but only if it's with close friends because you need people to have your back. It's time to take it easy because you honestly do not want to do anything you'd regret. I don't want anything of the likes that happened to me to happen to you and I don't want your mom to minimize your freedom. I don't get what's going on through your mind.

Everything.

I can't be happy with myself because I don't know who I am. Forever and ever, I'd always come across biographies of adolescents all over the world who feel as if they don't have an identity. I never thought I'd also come into terms with that same particular situation. I don't get why I can't be the school girl, the church girl, the kickback girl, and the party girl. Why can't I be everything? Why do I have to choose? I don't even know how to choose because when the time comes to check that option box... I'll lose half of my friends in the other categories. It sucks. I feel as if nobody likes me for who I am, but only as who I portray at the moment. If I'm at church, people get disgusted upon hearing about my party rumors. If I'm at a party, I have to hide any signs of me belonging in those church organizations. If I'm in school, I can't party at all. I wish I had the strength to do it all and I wish nobody would judge and just accept that I do all of that, but I'm still me.

I don't know who I am.

Sacrifices.

Sometimes you gotta make them to be a better person. Why is that I am still afraid to let go of my bad habits? I really want to change and I already have been setting foot on the right path, but there's like that sticky piece of gum I can't fucking get off my sandals.