Slow down.

I ran for my life today.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Potentiality.

The numbers are progressing again and there is a will to stay away from it all, but it's just too faint. The respectable term, 'Summer' also keeps coming to mind and with summer, that comes along with freedom. Eenie Meenie Minie Moe?

I know if I were to get involved with you, that's a straight one-way ticket back to my old life and all my old habits. Obviously, there isn't much in common between us besides our recklessness and that has to be one of my best and overpowering personality traits. We'll see where this goes.

We've been up and down this path before and let's just face it, we're both too much of a flirt for each other. I've got blindsided tricks up my sleeve and you've got too much of a sharing mentality. I know, for sure that if we do decide to pursue anything, it wouldn't be anything more than just physical attraction.

And then it leads to you. What happens to us after you or I find someone new? I guess I can't really say there is an ' us ' but we do share a connection, don't we? I know you're not a serious person which is why I never even thought of stepping forward into anything with you and what happened between us, merely just happened. So, would we still continue one with what we're doing or do we just move on, forget the past, and act like nothing ever happened? You tell me, because frankly, I don't care at all.

Whatever happens, happens.

Tick tock,

I'm so impossibly BORED with life.

Appreciation.

High school is on a break and summer has started and I've never ever learned to appreciate my friends as much as I have before until now. We're all apart in distance, but together in heart. I love you guys.

The snowball effect.

I don't want to feel this way, but I always still do in the end. I know that no matter how many shots I take, how many cigarettes I smoke, and how many bowls I blaze... I will never ever be able to get rid of this feeling. They fall into my hands so easy and I always settle for the most decent one, even if they're not even that good enough of a person for themselves or for me. I take it into my own hands to try to change either one of us for the better or to give either one of us a chance of happiness. Sometimes, I'm too nice to even say ' no, ' and most of the times, I don't want to say ' no, ' because what if I'm accidentally declining a chance to fall in love again? I can't lie and say that I don't miss you because I do... Everything I've been doing lately is to try to help fill in the now even bigger void that you left me. I've created a snowball effect of my own and I don't even know how to try to stop it. I know whomever I choose is going to be another most likely, temporarily person until I get tired of them and/or someone else remotely a little bit more decent comes along. I can't figure out if I whether truly like a person or I'm just tricking myself into liking them. The worst of all is... these guys don't deserve this crap and I'm such a selfish person right now. I'm risking some friendships and most importantly, my dignity.

[Posted with iBlogger from my iPhone]

Tear stained eyes.

I start to recollect my thoughts and to feel some sort of damp surface my head is facing on. I steadily open my eyes and blink to view a mass of black ink on my pillow. My mascara has smeared onto my pillow case. Painful memories race through my head and I realize that I had, earlier, cried myself to sleep. I feel a sort of concrete blockage on my chest and fear as if my heart no longer exists because I can never feel it beat anymore. Tears begin to emerge in my eyes again and I shake my head trying to make them disappear. I reach for my iPhone set on the left of my bed and see that there are a few text messages to attend to. I read one by one slowly and realize that even though my friends care, I feel more alone than ever. For months and months, I've started to adapt to the lifestyle where I realized that it was okay to be alone. Even though I may be boy-crazed, I really like being alone. I like reaching that level of independence and happiness because there's no room for disappointment and/or to disappoint anyone.

Unfortunately, one day in March led to an accidental relationship that made me unwillingly open myself up to a boy and made my wall of independence tumble down. I liked the boy, but I liked being alone more. Being me, I never liked hurting people's feelings so it took me quite awhile to break up with him. As I broke up with him, another boy started surfacing into my life and I guess, I'm all about chances. I never thought much about this boy, but one day I ran into him while I was hanging out with a group of friends. He was cute and he was a teaser and for him, it was all it took to get me hooked. We started hanging out and not before long, we were an item despite the many things people warned me. Although like the last boy, we didn't last long either and on top of that, he said some really hurtful words that still scar me to this very day. I quickly tried to cut him out of my life.

Once upon a lunch hour, a boy mysteriously appeared at the lunch table I was residing at with fellow friends, Brianna and Minh. Instantly, I was attracted to his neon bright shorts and his cute rectangular glasses. I could see that his perky personality created an aura of happiness to those around him, it had also immediately rubbed off onto me. I have never seen this boy around campus, so therefore I doubted that I would ever see him again. Little did I know, his friend request to my MySpace forced me start thinking about him more and more. With my mind set on getting to know him more, I settled at his lunch spot and so we started interacting more with communication through cellular devices and instant messaging. Soon after, we went to go watch the movie, ' Up ' and ate crepes at Genki Living together along with the company of my cousin, but still it was a delightful ' date. ' We slowly eased into a relationship which for once, someone was able to actually keep me on my tip toes. I haven't been this happy in such a long time as I was, with him. I begin to have the old contagious glow to my face I've lost for more than a year. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted a boy and I was able to feel naturally comfortable around him unlike the last two. I had little doubts, but I had a really big will to make this relationship work for as long as it was to be possible. Little and surprisingly did I know this magicallly wonderful boy was going to break my heart...

As I was facing eviction from this boy's heart, I was also facing a ' walk the plank ' situation with my mother. On top of that, I was facing the absence of my dear beloved human teddy bear and former friends who have given up on me. I've also started to feel two of my closest friends drifting away and beginning to do their own thing together, singling me out. I feel my support system dying out and my heart slowly dipping itself into a quicksand of death. I don't feel any love from anyone. Day by day, it's also making me forget how to love myself once again.

Because of all that crap, I've started to look comfort in someone that I should have not and could have not. I've never imagined to put myself or anyone in that situation, but unfortunately, I can't blame anyone but myself for initiating it. Even though he only cares for me in a fraction out of being acquaintances (maybe friends), it's so much better than nothing. I know I'm only asking for heartache and a bigger black hole of emptiness, but I don't see anyone else willing to help me right now. He has some of the attributes I look for in a boy, but even so it's too late to look at him in that way because we've gone too far as friends already. I'm only going to him for the purpose of comfort and sense of security that I've so recently lost. I already know he's a temporary coping escape and he may only be here for another month or so until he gets tired of me, but at least for a month, I won't feel so consciously alone. There's a great big possibility that as long as I am ' with ' him, I probably wouldn't even realize the next great big thing right beside me because I'm already settling for ... not even second best or even a nomination in the best category.

Recap.

I tilt my head slightly to my left, waiting for the sound of a distant door to be closed and the familiar sound of a doorknob being locked. I watch in the rear corners of my eyes to see the pair of feet slowly step out of view. ' Click. ' I now have approximately less than ten minutes to get the hell out of this place. I quickly head to my bathroom and open my medicine cabinet and knock the necessarily toiletries into my bag as fast as possible. I hurriedly put on the usual accessories I never leave my house without: my necklace, my friendship bracelet, my rosary bracelet, my saints' portraits necklace, my serpent watch, my white rose ring, and my bluebird ring. I run to my dresser table and grab a clean pair of underwear and shorts and stuff them messily away. I put the note I have prepared an hour ahead on my bed and quickly scan for a number on my iPhone. I crept silently across the hall, passing the busy shower that contains the person I'm running away from, my mother. I half-step into my pair of sandals and book it, not knowing when the next time I'm going to return is. In my wallet, there is only seven dollars. The adrenaline rush causes me to just run, run, and run. ' I love you, " I whisper to the wind, foolishly hoping it would carry those words to my mother.

Tangled.

I'm caught in this spider web and it's getting too sticky to get out of, but I think I kind of like it...

Thinking about you.

What I did wasn't right, but I have no regrets that I did it so. It helped me regain a sense of security that I've recently lost.

Shit happens.

Codependency.

I hate it. It's another point in time where I just want to be alone again. It feels better when there's absolutely nobody by my side. I try so hard, so very much hard to have the teensiest bit of hope in the person who claims to be there for me and they fuck it up so much. I don't want to depend on anyone because when I do, there's always has to be room for fucking disappointment. Well, the disappointment is overflowing like a volcano erupting and destroying the island of Hawaii and I'm Hawaii. It's another matter of mere days where I'll break completely. I don't know if I can survive this summer. I still don't see myself heading anywhere.

Money can't buy you happiness,

Neither does shoplifting or stealing things. I don't know how it all came to this. I'm once again, discontent.

Kleptomaniac.

Damn, I can't remember the last time I went somewhere and did not try to take anything. What the fucccccck? :(

Me < Nothing.

I don't know if you can redeem yourself after the words you have spoken to me three days ago. It burnt a hole in my chest that one person I love deeply so much just doesn't support me and most importantly, never believed in me. If you can't understand the situation I'm in, instead of criticizing, why couldn't you try to at least take a stroll down memory lane in my shoes? I'm sorry I'm not as strong-willed as you. I'm sorry I care too much. I'm sorry that I give almost everybody I meet a chance because I know what it feels like to be given up on right on the spot. I'm sorry you, like many others have accepted that I'm a failure long ago and I was never gonna change; now that I have, you can't even recognize that everyday I'm out on the streets with a radiant glow on my face. I'm sorry I'm not worth as a friend for you.

[On the road with my iPhone.]

Thump, thump, STOP!

It's ironic... You criticize me so I won't turn to the object that destroys me, but the only thing it does is pushes me closer to it. You officially broke one of the very few remaining pieces of my heart. I'm slowly losing sight of who I am and why I'm still here. I'm aching so much for some way of escape. A route to detour the pain my heart feels. I want to feel so numb to the point I can't even recognize that I'm thinking or something. Please, if anyone else wants to just give up, please do it now. Do it all at once, so I can let go and move on.

The final word.

I still can't believe you actually had the courage to utter those break-or-make words out into the open air to silently creep in and through my delicate, fragile ears. It wont' be long until I will not see you around anymore, but the unfortunate thing is those heartbreaking words keep echoing over and over in my heart, mind, and soul. It's quietly and slowly destroying the inside remnants of my spirit.

You helped me further the process of never being able to love myself.

Happiness.

Roaming through a field of flowers on a golden summer day with my brown bag slung over my shoulder and camera in hand, impatiently waiting for a scene of action-packed thrill or a still-life of mother's nature perfections. Fedora on my head and medium sized hair swinging back and forth due to the beautiful light breeze while I walk, seeking for the sight of happiness. White v-neck, tan shorts, and hiking boots provide the best sense of security and comfort for the environment I'm in.

Nothing beats the feeling of this.

Attraction at first sight,

I haven't smiled like this in forever. Thank you Jonathan Perkinson. There are urges to hide and run away, but I'll try my best not to because there are no excuses strong enough to overpower the fact that you make me very, very extraordinary happy.

Hip, Hip, Hooray...

Risks, chances, and those leaps of faith. Don't you understand that I've already took enough of those for the rest of my life.

Bittersweet.

So it seems as if I've found a friend who likes and values me as I am. Why is it though I can't feel the same about myself still? :/

[On the road with my iPhone.]