Tear stained eyes.

I start to recollect my thoughts and to feel some sort of damp surface my head is facing on. I steadily open my eyes and blink to view a mass of black ink on my pillow. My mascara has smeared onto my pillow case. Painful memories race through my head and I realize that I had, earlier, cried myself to sleep. I feel a sort of concrete blockage on my chest and fear as if my heart no longer exists because I can never feel it beat anymore. Tears begin to emerge in my eyes again and I shake my head trying to make them disappear. I reach for my iPhone set on the left of my bed and see that there are a few text messages to attend to. I read one by one slowly and realize that even though my friends care, I feel more alone than ever. For months and months, I've started to adapt to the lifestyle where I realized that it was okay to be alone. Even though I may be boy-crazed, I really like being alone. I like reaching that level of independence and happiness because there's no room for disappointment and/or to disappoint anyone.

Unfortunately, one day in March led to an accidental relationship that made me unwillingly open myself up to a boy and made my wall of independence tumble down. I liked the boy, but I liked being alone more. Being me, I never liked hurting people's feelings so it took me quite awhile to break up with him. As I broke up with him, another boy started surfacing into my life and I guess, I'm all about chances. I never thought much about this boy, but one day I ran into him while I was hanging out with a group of friends. He was cute and he was a teaser and for him, it was all it took to get me hooked. We started hanging out and not before long, we were an item despite the many things people warned me. Although like the last boy, we didn't last long either and on top of that, he said some really hurtful words that still scar me to this very day. I quickly tried to cut him out of my life.

Once upon a lunch hour, a boy mysteriously appeared at the lunch table I was residing at with fellow friends, Brianna and Minh. Instantly, I was attracted to his neon bright shorts and his cute rectangular glasses. I could see that his perky personality created an aura of happiness to those around him, it had also immediately rubbed off onto me. I have never seen this boy around campus, so therefore I doubted that I would ever see him again. Little did I know, his friend request to my MySpace forced me start thinking about him more and more. With my mind set on getting to know him more, I settled at his lunch spot and so we started interacting more with communication through cellular devices and instant messaging. Soon after, we went to go watch the movie, ' Up ' and ate crepes at Genki Living together along with the company of my cousin, but still it was a delightful ' date. ' We slowly eased into a relationship which for once, someone was able to actually keep me on my tip toes. I haven't been this happy in such a long time as I was, with him. I begin to have the old contagious glow to my face I've lost for more than a year. I trusted him more than I've ever trusted a boy and I was able to feel naturally comfortable around him unlike the last two. I had little doubts, but I had a really big will to make this relationship work for as long as it was to be possible. Little and surprisingly did I know this magicallly wonderful boy was going to break my heart...

As I was facing eviction from this boy's heart, I was also facing a ' walk the plank ' situation with my mother. On top of that, I was facing the absence of my dear beloved human teddy bear and former friends who have given up on me. I've also started to feel two of my closest friends drifting away and beginning to do their own thing together, singling me out. I feel my support system dying out and my heart slowly dipping itself into a quicksand of death. I don't feel any love from anyone. Day by day, it's also making me forget how to love myself once again.

Because of all that crap, I've started to look comfort in someone that I should have not and could have not. I've never imagined to put myself or anyone in that situation, but unfortunately, I can't blame anyone but myself for initiating it. Even though he only cares for me in a fraction out of being acquaintances (maybe friends), it's so much better than nothing. I know I'm only asking for heartache and a bigger black hole of emptiness, but I don't see anyone else willing to help me right now. He has some of the attributes I look for in a boy, but even so it's too late to look at him in that way because we've gone too far as friends already. I'm only going to him for the purpose of comfort and sense of security that I've so recently lost. I already know he's a temporary coping escape and he may only be here for another month or so until he gets tired of me, but at least for a month, I won't feel so consciously alone. There's a great big possibility that as long as I am ' with ' him, I probably wouldn't even realize the next great big thing right beside me because I'm already settling for ... not even second best or even a nomination in the best category.